Cereal Life: The Shocking Truth Behind Breakfast



[Originally published on The Plaid Crew on May 14, 2009.]

By now, it’s no secret that, while breakfast may be the most important meal of the day, cereal isn’t necessarily the best option. Sugary cereals have always been a concern for parents. But even healthful, high-roading staples like Cheerios have been taken down a peg over the years for making dubious claims about lowering cholesterol. Indeed, some in the breakfast industry — yes, there is such a thing — are noting that cereal is losing ground at the breakfast nook to Greek yogurt, granola, and grab-and-go sandwiches as people seek out healthy and quicker sustenance. To make matters worse, a recent study revealed that the Trix Rabbit has been staring at your kids. Here are even more shocking revelations about your favorite brands.

  • While Cocoa Puffs doesn’t actually make you cuckoo, it does give you diabetes.
  • Wheaties alone is no guarantee of future athletic success.
  • Kix are kid tested, but not mother approved.
  • Count Chocula was stripped of his countship after a military coup in 1989.
  • Consumer testing has proven that Frosted Flakes are at best only “good.”
  • There’s no proven link between eating Cookie Crisp and increased criminal behavior.
  • Dig’em, the Honey Smacks frog, is really a prince. Unfortunately, he’s also a fictional cereal mascot.
  • 1 bowl of Total does not contain 30 bowls of Corn Flakes. The science simply doesn’t exist.
  • Cap’n Crunch only rose to the rank of Lieutenant-Commander.
  • Grape Nuts contains neither grapes nor nuts.