By JIM SABATASO | STAFF

No room for a king, indeed…

What a joke. We knew it was gonna be tough to find a room in Bethlehem with the census going on. Thanks a lot, Augustus! (#NotMyEmperor) So, yeah, I guess we should’ve planned ahead. That’s on us. But still this place wasn’t fit for a donkey let alone the King of Kings. From the photos they posted, I expected it to be rustic, but damn this place was a real dump.

When we arrived, there were animals in the room. I know it’s a manger, but you’d think they would’ve at least cleared them out before we got there. Mary, Yahweh bless her, was a real champ about it, but I could tell she was PO’d.

…Look, things are already tense enough between us. There’s the age thing. Then all this pregnancy stuff. (An angel? Really, babe?) And this whole road trip has been a mess. I just… I just really need a win here.

Anyway… yeah. The manger…

So we no more than get settled than Mary’s water breaks. Great. There goes the deposit. I tried to schmooze the innkeeper, but he just shrugged and said, “No exceptions.” I mean the floor is made of hay. How much does that sh*t cost?

After Mary gave birth (wife and baby are doing well!) we attempted to get some sleep, but there was this bright ass star like right outside. I mentioned it to the innkeeper, but he claimed he’d never seen it before, and there was nothing he could do about it.

We hung a blanket over the window (without any offer of help from the innkeeper, I might add), and were just starting to doze off, when some kid started banging on a drum. Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum for like 2 hours. WTF?!

Then, as if all that wasn’t enough, these three random dudes show up and start making themselves at home. The innkeeper clearly double-booked, but he wouldn’t even admit it. These guys — they said they were “kings from afar” (is that a thing?) — were actually pretty nice, and clearly embarrassed about the whole thing. They gave us some gold and some other junk for the inconvenience, which was pretty cool (more than that jerk innkeeper did for us, I can tell you).

We finally got to sleep around 4am, and rolled out as soon as we woke up. If you’re in Bethlehem, definitely avoid this place. On the plus side, there’s a Whole Foods right around the corner.