Triple Smashed Potatoes
Using a potato gun, shoot 10 pounds of russet potatoes against a semi-clean brick wall. Scrape what sticks into a bowl, and add a block of Velveeta cheese, 1 pound of bacon bits, and a bottle of Southern Comfort. Set blender to YOLO, and mix ingredients while “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood plays in the background. Dump mixture into a casserole dish, and bake until nasty (approx. 45 mins. at 350).
Cherry Poppin’ Stuffing
With a GoPro camera attached to your head, cut a loaf of stale Wonderbread into cubes. (Note: Wonderbread takes 8-12 months to go stale so plan ahead!) In a large pan, sauté turkey giblets, Vienna sausages, and cherry Jolly Ranchers. Pour in an entire bottle of Frank’s Red Hot, and let simmer. Add the Wonderbread and stir until the liquid is absorbed. Top with maraschino cherries, and serve.
Bacon Blasted Turkey
Take the biggest turkey you can find and fill the cavity with an unopened can of Natural Light and side of bacon (no need to take it out of the package). Coat the outside of the bird with a mixture of grenadine, Sriracha sauce, and leftover soy sauce packets from the last time you had Chinese takeout. Coat the bird liberally with a bag of crushed BBQ Fritos. Finally, wrap the turkey in an Ed Hardy shirt that’s been soaked in Fireball whiskey. Cook until the can of beer explodes (approx. 3 hours at 300). Serve medium-rare on the hood of a 1967 Chevy Camaro.
Collect the pan drippings from the turkey in a saucepan. Add 1 can of Bud Light Lime, 1 jar of fajita seasoning, and 5 ghost peppers. Let simmer for 30 minutes. Remove the peppers, and strain the gravy through the Fireball-soaked Ed Hardy Shirt. Serve in a vintage oilcan.
With Kid Rock watching, drop 3 medium-sized pumpkins out of a window (min. 2 stories) into the bed of a Ford Rachero. Drive the Ranchero to the grocery store. At the store, buy 2 cans of pumpkin pie filling, 1 pound of butter, 1 bag chocolate chips, 1 jar of Fluff, and 1 frozen piecrust shell. Back at home, dump all ingredients into a bowl, and stir violently while maintaining eye contact with Kid Rock. Pour ingredients into piecrust, and bake until seriously dank (approx. 30 mins. at 350).
Cranberry Jelly Jigglers
While wearing a Cosby Sweater, combine 2 packages of cherry Jell-O, 4 cups of fresh cranberries, 2 cups of boiling water, and 1/2 a bottle of Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Tequila. Stir thoroughly, and pour into Ferrari prancing horse molds (available at http://www.ferrari.com). Chill for 1 hour, and serve.