Thanksgiving: a time to stop and reflect on all we have been #blessed with. To give thanks for family, friends, and country. But if you’re like a liberal, secular-socialist, god-hating elitist, you probably can’t wait until next Thursday so you can take the wind out of Uncle Bob and Aunt Judy’s sails by pissing all over the Thanksgiving narrative.
No doubt, your Liberal East Coast College Education and obsession with the Salon has turned you on to the true story of Thanksgiving. However, in this age of irrationality where professional nutbirds on Fox News are allowed to just make shit up, you’re going to need to do a bit more than just spout off some drivel you saw on Maddow last night. Instead, try these TPC-approved talking points.
Your choice of meat tells me that you’re racist.
In post-racial America, the race card can be pulled faster than your dad’s hamstring during the pre-dinner football game. If you’re gonna keep up, you gotta race-bait those motherfuckers.
White meat or dark meat, the choice has never been as simple as one’s taste. Because what is taste but one’s personal preference? Preference. Preferential treatment. (You see where we’re going with this?) By choosing white meat, you’re telling your family and the rest of the world that you’re not choosing dark meat.
But your poor, ignorant uncle can’t even see it, can he? No, that’s because racism is so engrained in our culture that he didn’t even realize he was a racist. But you can see it because you follow Upworthy and watch Bill Maher. Your family should get down on their knees and thank the god you don’t believe in that they have someone as enlightened as you to show them what awful, awful people they all are.
You would go shopping on Black Friday.
Spoiler alert: Slavery ended 151 years ago. Yet here you are, taking your turkey to-go so you can bust down the doors at Target and save $2 on that piece of shiny, dumb plastic for your fat, dumb kids. But you don’t care, do you, Aunt Carol? You’re still gonna bust that door. You’re gonna bust all kinds of doors this weekend, aren’t you? All hopped up on pumpkin spiced lattes and Chick-fil-A (do you even know?!), you’re ready to do whatever it takes to make this Christmas the best that ever was. This is your glass ceilng. This is your season four of Breaking Bad.
But you’re wrong, Carol. This is your season five, and you’re fucked. This is your Waterloo, Carol. Have you even seen Continuum? You’re a slave to the corporate machine, and you don’t even know it. So go ahead, buy your fat, dumb kids that fat, dumb piece of plastic (BTW, plastic is made from petrochemicals, aka oil, aka fossil fuels, aka killing our planet!) so you can make them happy. Just know you’ve KILLED US ALL!
That’s not turkey — it’s people! PEOPLE!!!
The colonists were cannibals. It’s true. Of course, you won’t find it in the mainstream history books — especially the ones being edited by conservative school boards. Truth is, early life in the New World was pretty fucking bad. The Pilgrims may have been pious, but they were also lazy, shiftless, and ill-equipped to handle the harsh elements awaiting them.
When they came ashore, they found a seemingly abandoned village, which they promptly commandeered (sorta like The Others on Lost), moving into the homes, and even robbing and desecrating graves — just like modern-day tourists. Weren’t they worried the indigenous people might come back and angrily exact their revenge like so much Three Bears? No way! You see, they were all wiped out by the bubonic plague brought over from Europe a few years earlier. (Again, kinda like Lost.)
Once winter set in, they quickly ran out of food so naturally they started eating each other, as well as the natives. Because as it sayeth in the Bible, “God helps those who help themselves… to Goodman Smith.” It’s your classic Alive scenario; though, if these people tasted anything like they looked, it’s a safe bet nobody went back for seconds.
The Founding Fathers were terrorists. There, we said it.
Repeat this verbatim:
Think about it: these guys thumbed their noses at the rule of law, destroyed civilian property, promoted violence, and indiscriminately blew shit up. In battle, they broke the rules of engagement, choosing guerilla warfare, which the British considered cowardly and uncivilized. And guess what? THEY. FUCKING. WON. Now, history looks back on these guys as heroes. Kinda puts the whole War on Terror thing into perspective, doesn’t it?
And if you really want a go out with a mic drop, say this next sentence: “I dunno, maybe we deserved 9/11.”